Friday 28 January 2011
There are many things I would like to wish for in life. It’s difficult to really wish for something though because the impression I get from reading my bible is that we shouldn’t wish for something because then it would be going against knowing and believing that God has everything planned out for us and that we are safe in His hands. I mean, I know we are all born with free will, but I think I’m much happier when I don’t have any decision to make (if you know what I mean). I would be quite happy knowing that all the right decisions were being made for me. That I’m not making any bad ones and that nothing bad will happen. Maybe I’m delusional in thinking that. Maybe i’m really ‘wishing’ for heaven on earth. Who knows! I was speaking to my sister about making decisions the other day. I was telling her that I think I have a fear of making big decisions. I think it’s because I’m scared of what the outcome will be if it’s the wrong one, or that I don’t want to learn any new lessons if it’s the wrong one (I never did like school!). She simply asked me, “What’s the worst that would happen if you did?” She knows me. She knows i’m sensible enough to not make HUGE bad decisions like take another person’s life or rob a bank (though that thought has crossed my mind recently!). So it’s safe to know that the worst that could happen is that it ends badly. I am disappointed, I get in a few arguments, have a few apologies to make, have to start over again; none of which are particularly life threatening or something I can’t come back from. In fact, humbling myself and making some apologies would probably do me the world of good! BUT, I still find it hard to make the decisions. I tell you; I’m lucky I have such awesome friends. I completely use them as sounding boards and most of the times base my decision on what they tell me! How pathetic, right! If I think something is a good idea I run it past a friend or two and base my decision on whether they agree or not. Having said that, I did make a pretty big decision without anyone helping – I made the decision on moving into a flat that I’d only seen for 5 minutes on my own and put a deposit down, signed the papers, etc without anyone seeing it. Turned out to be one of the best decisions i’ve made!
So, the title of this blog is ‘deciding to wish’. Not a big title, but I feel those two words rely heavily on each other. You’ve got to decide to wish for something, and most decisions are the result of a wish or longing. I have wished for many things in my 27 years of existence. I have wished that my dad hadn’t had an affair with my babysitter and he’d come home, that he wouldn’t move in with her and her two bratty sons. I also wished that he didn’t have skin cancer or eventually a brain tumor, that I didn’t have the same type of skin as him and that he and/or I wouldn’t die from it. Fat lot of wishing that did me. In the end all those things happened (apart from me dying, of course), but the fact remains that wishing doesn’t really achieve anything at all. If anything, it’s detrimental to our growth. In my later teens I wished I was a professional dancer and although that happened to a certain extent, i’m not at the West End putting on a show, or lead dancer for some hot male singer travelling the world. All wishing for that has done has made me feel like a failure. Not that long ago I wished to be a famous singer and all that wishing for that has done has made me afraid to sing in front of people because the fear of being told i’m not good enough would completely destroy the little bit of hope my wish has sparked in me. Right now, I wish that my boss wasn’t so horrible. That I had a ‘speciality’ so that I wouldn’t be in a run-of-the-mill job, but I know that I can’t control the personalities of other people and that the reason i’m not specialised in my career is my own fault. So, again I say, where’s the good in wishing? Yes, of course, you could argue the point that wishing makes you determined to do something. But does it really? It might make you a little more disciplined, or focused, but do all of your wishes become your goals? I’ll let you ponder.
I’ve had to make a big decision recently that started with a wish. I’m quite frustrated about it really. I made the decision to do something potentially life-changing (in a good way), but now I can’t do anything with the decision because I’m having to rely on someone else to decide to take it forward to the next step (confusing and vague, right!?) What I don’t want is to make my first really big decision and then for it fall through because of someone else. I don’t want to divulge too much information at the moment in case it does fall through, but trust me; as soon as it moves forward I’ll be blogging!
I’ll leave you with something nice. This morning on my bus journey into work a little 3-4 year old was sitting at the front facing everyone on his mum’s knee sharing her ipod headphones. He started dancing around and then started singing (well more like shouting)
“Oh Na Na, What’s my Name? Oh Na Na, What’s my Name? Oh Na Na, What’s my Name? What’s my Naaaame?”
Serious moves and serious singing. It was really something to behold. He obviously didn’t know the verse as there were long pauses inbetween his performances, which I think made it even cuter. I think Rhianna would have been impressed!
Rhona out.
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