Y'know how sometimes you can wake up and have something that makes you happy straight away, like the sun streaming in the window...or realising that you have no work...or a 'good morning' text from someone special...well that happened to me today.  Had a lie in, woke up in a good mood.  Then it swiftly went downhill from there and now i'm sitting at 23:27 and I have a horrible knot in my tummy.  My head is spinning and I just want to curl up in a corner and rock myself into another world.

I've wanted to record a new song for a little while now and this one especially.  If you know me then you know I basically live my life through song lyrics.  This song has been special to me for a few years now and has been my 'go to' song when i've been all muddled up with emotions.  It lays it out black and white style.  A song direct from the deepest desires of a heart that longs to be stolen.  My voice doesn't do it justice, but the emotion behind it is not lacking.

I don't really know where to start.  I don't think there is a start.  I haven't blogged in so long, but I have so much swimming around my head that I have to release somewhere and this is as safe a place as any...I know what you're thinking...the internet isn't very safe.  But, well, in all my years of having this blog, I don't think that any more than 5 people have read it so I think it's safe to say that it sin't going to go viral!  And yes, I did just have a conversation with myself.  I do it a lot, deal with it.

Okay.  It was my 31st birthday yesterday.  Yay, not.  I didn't do very much for it.  I just hung out with an old high school crush that I haven't seen in about 17 years that recently came back into my life.  (But will never be anything more as he so kindly text me today!).  I had fun, but today I have well and truly got the birthday blues.  Doesn't help the fact that I am unwell too.

Here's how my last few months have been...

A coupla months ago I ended up in hospital because I had difficulty breathing.  I had put up with it for a week and a half and it was getting worse to the point that I couldn't go from sitting down to standing without having to spend 10 minutes catching my breath.  Long story short (full of misdiagnosing doctors and "i'm okay!" to work colleagues) my sister drags me to A&E.  At that point, my oxygen levels were at 70%ish and my resting heartbeat was around 135.  Pretty serious.  They were quick in getting a chest X-ray and CT scan, which showed that I had multiple blood clots on both my lungs (which the Specialist called "extensive").  In other words...a Pulmonary Embolism. You may have heard of this - many famous people have dropped dead from them.  Anyway, on top of that I also had pneumonia...no wonder I couldn't bloody breath!  The doctors quickly whisked me away to the respiratory ward where I was serious enough to warrant a room on my own (yay, silver lining!), however it didn't stop me from catching a virus that was kicking around and for 3 days I fought a raging fever (just because I wasn't dealing with enough and I like a challenge!).

Throughout all this, my boyfriend buggered off to another country on holiday and didn't contact me once (even though he knew I had nearly died) and even when he came back he only visited me once, for no more than 3 hours...even though he could have stayed with me the full day.  Everyone was telling me what he was doing was awful, and I knew it was awful, but I already felt so rubbish that actually all they were doing was making me feel worse.  Now, I had a BEAUTIFUL doctor looking after me and taking my daily blood tests and he got to know all about my relationship woes.  Even HE was telling me to dump the douche.  Easier said than done.  I always try to see the good in everyone so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  However, when I got home he didn't come see me when he was meant to and so, alas, he was booted out the door.  Even though I was home, I was still seeing my doctor for daily blood tests/injections and one of the first things he asked me about was the douche...I took great delight in telling him I was single.  Alas, though, nothing came of that (and quite rightly so as he would have been unprofessional!).  Although I do know how to contact him on FB....would that be unprofessional of me?  (I didn't stalk him - we just got on well enough that we shared that kind of information!)  He's technically not my doctor any more.  I don't need to visit the hospital anymore so really, I won't see him again otherwise!  No?  Stupid thing to do?  Okay, that's a no then.

Having a near-death experience is quite scary.  For the past couple of years I have worried that I was getting older, I was single and, being a PCOS sufferer, wondering if I would ever be blessed with a family of my own.  Well, let me tell you...a death scare doesn't help with that situation!  I am now 31, have blood clots, single and still have PCOS!  I'm in a worse position now!  I've kind of gone off topic now, but I think I have found the crux of the thoughts in my head.  When will it be my turn?  I am a good person, I am kind, I am thoughtful, I get told that I have a great sense of humour, I am affectionate and loyal.  Okay, i'm a little forgetful but i'm not perfect!  I am very rarely serious, although slightly too sarcastic.  I am mentally creative and like a good challenge.  I am smart and a bit of a tomboy.  I don't wear dresses every day, but I scrub up well.  Okay, I need to lose some weight but surely the whole world isn't superficial?  When will it be my turn?  I'm not outdoorsy but I like a good walk with a view.  I am romantic and positive and have been waiting patiently for my fairytale but it never comes.  I am sensitive and strong and tough but always the first to back down.  I try to see things from every point of view and all I want is for someone to make me their priority.  When will it be my turn?

The silver lining with my illness is that I lost a stone in a week and have managed to not put it back on.  I have joined a slimming class and although I haven't lost anything else - which i'm not surprised at because of the drugs I have to take for the clots and the fact i'm not exercising - I have managed to maintain instead of putting on.  I mean, i'm not the size of a factory...I just need to get back into shape.  I always said I needed something drastic to happen for me to lose weight.  I just never thought it would be nearly dying.  This whole experience has completely changed my outlook.  Although I will always be a procrastinator, I have this little spark that's been ignited and it's telling me to push.  It's telling me that enough is enough and I have to stand up and fight if I want anything good to happen in my life.  It's telling me that it's not enough to just be part of the crowd and blend in.  I am going to have to raise my head above the parapet and shout loudly.  I want to be noticed.  I want to be counted.  I want to have a purpose rather than just dodging along doing the same thing every day.

I'm not back at work yet and I don't think I will be for another few weeks.  Having this time away will hopefully help with the weight loss so that when I go back it will seem like I am a new woman.  I work in a large airport - so maybe, just maybe, it will finally be my turn?  I'm 31 now.  I want a family.  I need to grow up and get my act together.  I need to stop hiding behind my face that passes for an early 20s girl.  I need to start giving a proper shit.  I need to start making an effort.  I need to stop building walls, yet as soon as someone starts chipping away at them, letting them crumble away so that I give up and bare all too soon because I am so eager to have someone love me.  I need to find my inner strength and fight for my confidence to return.  I need to find the passion in myself again.  I need to have the courage to step out of the boat and walk on water.  I need to listen to my own advice.  I need to believe that I am good enough.

Crazy as it sounds, I feel a huge relief just writing this down.  I know I have ranted a little bit, but sometimes I find that just starting the writing and let my mind wander as I type, I eventually get to the reason for the way i'm feeling and the writing just goes where it needs to go.  This is the Randomness of Rhona blog after all.

I don't think my journey is over, I don't even think it has begun, but I think that my first step was to get all the above out of my head so that my mind has space to work with.  What will be will be.  What's for me won't go past me.  The good Lord has a plan for me.  I just need to figure out where to go now.

Right now though I feel like, okay I cheated death.....but life has cheated me for years.  How is that fair?

So another month has come and gone and yet again i've not kept up with my blog.  Bad me.  I'm terrible!  I've not written to my friend currently spending time in maximum security prison since last year either.  Erm...actually i'm thinking that having me on his bad-side might inevitably be a bad thing so I might write to him after I've blogged.  Just in case.  I'm sure he's reformed....but I don't think i'll take that chance!

A friend was texting me last night.  He's a new friend.  A lovely new friend who I really enjoy talking to (he's just as weird as me) and he started freaking me out by texting things about me (like my birth place and shoe size).  Obviously being a reformed stalker, my alarm bells started ringing, but it made me climb on the laptop (well, not literally!) and google myself.  Wow.  I really shouldn't have done that!  There's so much out there about me that I had no idea about!  And sadly I've found i'm not as unique as I hoped I was!  BUT I also found that there are websites that have my handle (aarrbeee) that I've never been on in my life before!  That's just wrong!  I think i'm finally grasping the fear that some of my friends already display in what they have about their lives being an open book for weirdos and axe-murderers and fraudsters alike.  I mean, when I say i'm grasping the fear, i'm kind of just tenderly stroking the fear.  It doesn't scare me and i'll not stop buying things with my cards online and i'll not become a hermit and go deep underground in a bid to avoid all things techno, but I will pause before I spill my inner thoughts and plans and itineraries with the great big world.....hmmm....i'm still doing it on here though so maybe i'll need to work on that.

Anyway, said friend that made me google myself put me in touch with my old myspace account which I hadn't looked at since 2006 or something.  Wow, it was a blast from the past!  I had a mini blog on there before I set up this one and I do have to say that after reading it (and the comments made by complete strangers) that I have a strange gift of storytelling.  One stranger in particular said something along the lines of that my ability to put laughter and entertainment into my real life trials and tribulations was refreshing and amusing.  I think that was a compliment.  Maybe.

I decided after many weeks of ponderment that I would start up a new blog.  One for my work.  So much funny stuff happens to me at my work that it seems wrong to not share them all with the world.  I'm sure I'll be the only one that reads them, but at least i'm making a memory.  I love my job, and although i'll be keeping the other blog anonymous (i'm hoping there will be no links to me), i'm quite excited about keeping a journal about the stuff that happens.  I'm hoping that maybe one day i'll be able to tie some of my amusing customers and fellow colleagues personalities, anecdotes and situations into a new novel (after I finish the one i'm still writing!)

Speaking of writing, still studying for my degree.  I've been passing all my assignments so far and got another one due in a couple weeks.  I'm a little behind with the studying because of recent things happening, but I just need to focus, get my head in the game and get on with it.  I'm such a procrastinator (it's a better word than lazy), but I know i've got the strength somewhere to get through it so I just need to hold onto the end product (the degree) and keep my head down.

Oh oh oh...i've signed myself up to do a sponsored 12 mile walk in June.  My bestie friend is doing it for a local charity that supports her with a medical condition that she has just been diagnosed with so me and her sister have signed up to support her.  I'm going to be raising money for Verity UK, the only charity in the UK that supports and aids women living with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I have been living with this condition since I was roughly 16 and it has pretty much ruled my life (and ruined it a little).  If you can find it in your heart to sponsor me, my justgiving page is HERE and I truly would be so incredibly grateful for any contributions you could give me.  I'll be plugging this event nearer the time and probably be giving an update on training for it soon, so keep reading!

It's time for bed now.

Rhona out.

Right now I should be studying the wonderful artistry that is Paul Cezánne and starting on the essay that is due in this week, but I really don't have the energy.  Which is pretty pathetic really because I came in from work tonight, had dinner and watched a bit of the depression that was the nightly news then came upstairs, shoved the PC and laptop on (yes both of them), got changed into my PJ's, plonked myself down on my computer chair and that is where I have been stationed for the past 4 hours.  Pathetic.  Man, I could have done so much more productive things in 4 hours than what I have actually done!  I can't even say that I've done anything at all actually.  I've sat and chatted to a couple people on Facebook, caught up with some TV that I sky+'d and watched the awkward teenager across the street prance around his bedroom like a nancy boy to some kind of music - I hope was a boy-tastic band like the Backstreet Boys or Westlife *RIP* - and now i'm thinking about sub-plots to my novel.  Actually, does it make me sound like a perv the fact that I watched the teenager across the way dancing?!  I feel I have to clarify; I am in an attic conversion with my desk looking out onto the main street.  I have a terrace of houses opposite me and the boy's bedroom is one level down from where i'm sitting so can see, with ease, his whole room.  You see it's actually his parent's fault because they have no curtains in his bedroom (never have for some reason) so the poor coming-of-age lad has no privacy...though i'm sure he doesn't appreciate just how much of his room can be seen.  Not that I've seen anything or even looked into his room at all, apart from that one time when it was instigated by him because he shone one of those red laser thingies into my room when I was having a girl's night in.  So there.  Glad I got that sorted out.

I work with a plethora of different people every day.  Some I get on better with than others, but on the whole they're a good bunch.  I've formed good bonds with a select few, mainly within my own little team (and surrounding departments) and although the majority of our banter is taking the complete piss out of each other, I know it's all meant in a harmless way.  I give as good as I get and 'at the end of the day' (as a Jeremy Kyle guest would say), it keeps me laughing and makes the day go alot faster.  Did I mention that I love laughing?  Hmmm...I think I even dedicated a whole blog post to laughing.  Weird.

Well, my little buddies...I think from now on I'll call them JD and Turk (because there's a little too much man-loving going on there) gave me a little compassion today.  They handled a situation better than what I thought they would.  A horrible sitiuation (which was inevitable in the dept I work in) arose.  In true "I don't know how to deal with this" fashion, they took the piss...until they realised I was upset and soon dug up a little compassion from somewhere and actually made me feel better.  Ah bless...they're good lads really.  

Anyway.  Seems my little pals' piss taking is not being received very well by a fellow colleague.  This select individual has been at the receiving end of a bit of teasing the past couple of days (brought on by himself I might add) and he just can't handle it.  I, personally, find it very amusing.  That's not to say that I agree with what they're saying or how they're acting, i'm just choosing to act my very mature, yet borderline young age and rise above it.  Life's too short to be dragged down by teenage ridicule.  Haha!  I say that now...just wait until my nephew turns 16 and begins to ridicule his Auntie Rhona.  Oh, hang on....he already does!

Anyway, this individual asked for a shout out....so.....there it was!  Man up and don't let them dictate how you act within the workplace....you're actually making it worse by avoiding us now!  That makes it look like there's something going on and you're trying to hide it!

Right, gotta go catch up on a little sleep time so that I can get up for work tomorrow.  Hmmm....I hope something interesting happens (not like today though!)

Rhona out.

K, so i've just been sorting through my old hard drives and I found the following videos...of me singing!  I'm sure it is of no interest to you all, but for self-preservation's sake i'm going to put them on here.  Be gentle in your critisisms!

Wish You Were Here was recorded with my old band, Father Jack and Breathe Me was a song that I put together for my demo page.  Enjoy (hopefully!)