Undiscovered

Friday, 28 January 2011

deciding to wish

There are many things I would like to wish for in life. It’s difficult to really wish for something though because the impression I get from reading my bible is that we shouldn’t wish for something because then it would be going against knowing and believing that God has everything planned out for us and that we are safe in His hands. I mean, I know we are all born with free will, but I think I’m much happier when I don’t have any decision to make (if you know what I mean). I would be quite happy knowing that all the right decisions were being made for me. That I’m not making any bad ones and that nothing bad will happen. Maybe I’m delusional in thinking that. Maybe i’m really ‘wishing’ for heaven on earth. Who knows! I was speaking to my sister about making decisions the other day. I was telling her that I think I have a fear of making big decisions. I think it’s because I’m scared of what the outcome will be if it’s the wrong one, or that I don’t want to learn any new lessons if it’s the wrong one (I never did like school!). She simply asked me, “What’s the worst that would happen if you did?” She knows me. She knows i’m sensible enough to not make HUGE bad decisions like take another person’s life or rob a bank (though that thought has crossed my mind recently!). So it’s safe to know that the worst that could happen is that it ends badly. I am disappointed, I get in a few arguments, have a few apologies to make, have to start over again; none of which are particularly life threatening or something I can’t come back from. In fact, humbling myself and making some apologies would probably do me the world of good! BUT, I still find it hard to make the decisions. I tell you; I’m lucky I have such awesome friends. I completely use them as sounding boards and most of the times base my decision on what they tell me! How pathetic, right! If I think something is a good idea I run it past a friend or two and base my decision on whether they agree or not. Having said that, I did make a pretty big decision without anyone helping – I made the decision on moving into a flat that I’d only seen for 5 minutes on my own and put a deposit down, signed the papers, etc without anyone seeing it. Turned out to be one of the best decisions i’ve made!

So, the title of this blog is ‘deciding to wish’. Not a big title, but I feel those two words rely heavily on each other. You’ve got to decide to wish for something, and most decisions are the result of a wish or longing. I have wished for many things in my 27 years of existence. I have wished that my dad hadn’t had an affair with my babysitter and he’d come home, that he wouldn’t move in with her and her two bratty sons. I also wished that he didn’t have skin cancer or eventually a brain tumor, that I didn’t have the same type of skin as him and that he and/or I wouldn’t die from it. Fat lot of wishing that did me. In the end all those things happened (apart from me dying, of course), but the fact remains that wishing doesn’t really achieve anything at all. If anything, it’s detrimental to our growth. In my later teens I wished I was a professional dancer and although that happened to a certain extent, i’m not at the West End putting on a show, or lead dancer for some hot male singer travelling the world. All wishing for that has done has made me feel like a failure. Not that long ago I wished to be a famous singer and all that wishing for that has done has made me afraid to sing in front of people because the fear of being told i’m not good enough would completely destroy the little bit of hope my wish has sparked in me. Right now, I wish that my boss wasn’t so horrible. That I had a ‘speciality’ so that I wouldn’t be in a run-of-the-mill job, but I know that I can’t control the personalities of other people and that the reason i’m not specialised in my career is my own fault. So, again I say, where’s the good in wishing? Yes, of course, you could argue the point that wishing makes you determined to do something. But does it really? It might make you a little more disciplined, or focused, but do all of your wishes become your goals? I’ll let you ponder.

I’ve had to make a big decision recently that started with a wish. I’m quite frustrated about it really. I made the decision to do something potentially life-changing (in a good way), but now I can’t do anything with the decision because I’m having to rely on someone else to decide to take it forward to the next step (confusing and vague, right!?) What I don’t want is to make my first really big decision and then for it fall through because of someone else. I don’t want to divulge too much information at the moment in case it does fall through, but trust me; as soon as it moves forward I’ll be blogging!

I’ll leave you with something nice. This morning on my bus journey into work a little 3-4 year old was sitting at the front facing everyone on his mum’s knee sharing her ipod headphones. He started dancing around and then started singing (well more like shouting)

“Oh Na Na, What’s my Name? Oh Na Na, What’s my Name? Oh Na Na, What’s my Name? What’s my Naaaame?”

Serious moves and serious singing. It was really something to behold. He obviously didn’t know the verse as there were long pauses inbetween his performances, which I think made it even cuter. I think Rhianna would have been impressed!

Rhona out.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

and whilst i'm at it...have you found home?

0 comments Posted by RB at 15:28

I see that far away look in your eyes
A hurt and a hunger that I recognise
There’s a void in your spirit that you can’t disguise
A need for a place to call home.

You’re worn out and weary from running around
But you’re aimless and restless and can’t settle down
'Cause you’re looking for something you just haven’t found
A place for your heart to call home.

In the quiet night when you’re finally alone
And you open a part of your soul
Your homeless heart breathes out a prayer
Crying out that there’s got to be more!

Your Savior’s aware that you’re struggling so
He’s feeling your longing and He wants you to know
That there’s something eternal engraved in your soul
That draws you and beckons you home.

And it carries a promise that time can’t erase
That one day the answers will fall into place
And your Saviour will wipe every tear from your face
And hold you and welcome you home.

Can you relate to this?

A flat filled with aMUSEment, RAGE and VERMIN

0 comments Posted by RB at 15:13

Wow, i've not blogged since April. Funny how time flies!

I've just read over my last blog and much of this blog will tie into it so that's good, eh! I've had a funny few months, most have been unhappy, but we'll get to that. First, an update since April.

So, I moved out of my flat that I was sharing with Screamer (our landlord went bankrupt). In June I moved into my own little pad on my own, which I LOVE! It's 3 minutes door to door from my best friend, 20 minutes walk to work and right in the centre of Edinburgh. Although I love my flat, it's not been without its issues (and i've only been in it since June!) First of all, my neighbour (christened "catman") has 10 cats which roam in my garden, next to my garden, generally all up in my space! There's a cute little black one that says hello to me and is quite tame (to the point it comes into my flat if my front door is open). They don't really bother me on the whole so I guess I can't complain too much. Anyway, I had to deal with my first mouse encounter in July. I was lying on my bed, with my bedroom door closed and it scurried under my door, saw me and scurried back out again. I swear it was like it was saying hello to me! I had to hop foot it to B&Q to get some humane mousetraps to dot around my flat. Fortunately the mouse had the sense to not come back because the traps didn't catch anything and i've not had any bother since. Maybe one of the ten cats got to it first!

So with that out of the way I was vermin free until two weeks ago. I came home from work on the Monday night to 8 big massive bluebottles flying around my flat. A coincidence you might say...me too until I came home on Tuesday and there were another 6 fresh ones! I started to think something was wrong. It occurred to me by Thursday that maybe I had an infestation of some kind. Bluebottles are naturally attracted to rotting meat. It also occured to me that I hadn't seen my fragile old alcoholic neighbour in a couple of weeks. Cue: Rhona's imagination into overdrive. Sooo not only did I have bluebottle issues, I was also convinced that it was because of my neighbour being dead in his flat next door. Okay, I'm a bit of a drama queen...but at least I know it! By Saturday there were no more bluebottles and luckily my neighbour had made signs of movement so emergency over, no need for Scotland Yard. I think what had happened was that a fly was in my flat and laid some eggs in the plant that I have and that's what happened. Anyway, that was two weeks ago and i've not had any since so thank goodness!

Don't get me wrong though, I love where I am living. Although it's right next to the Hearts Stadium (Tynecastle), it's actually really quiet and peaceful. I've learnt to not venture out whilst there's a game going on and I have all necessary shops within a 5 minute walk. I'm quite lucky really. The only downside is that the neighbour above me (i'm on the ground floor) likes to sing acappella...loudly....and very out of tune. It gets annoying, but I just crank my tunes up to drown her out. It's not nearly as bad as the neighbours in my old flat!

Ugh...next thing to go wrong with my flat: the ceiling in my cupboard has started falling down! Seriously!! That's the 3rd thing to happen now so hopefully once the landlord has fixed it (they are investigating it today) nothing else will go wrong! Keep the prayers coming and the fingers crossed!

Right, so enough about my dwelling place.

In June I went to see Rage Against The Machine at Finsbury Park. WOW!! It was absolutely amazing! Best gig i've been to! They played all their greatest hits and everyone was so friendly! There was 75,000 rockers there and not one fight in sight. I was suffering slightly as I had been at a friend's wedding the night before which had been out in the open on one of the hottest days in Scotland this year. I'm not exaggerating when I say my chest was red raw. In fact, here's a photo to prove it:

Worth it though. I think i've now got a permanent tan! Haha!

So, not a month ago I also went to see Muse at Wembley. Which again was excellent. Only thing about Muse was that there was much more travelling this time than what there was with RATM, so was pretty knackered after that. BUT, that doesn't take anything away from the fact that they were on top form! I've been very blessed this year with the wonderful things I have seen and done. PTL!

I'm going to stop here and store up some more blog-ness for a couple weeks time.

Rhona out.

Monday, 26 April 2010

it is my life and these are my confessions (which incidentally is a really cool mashup song from GLEE!)

0 comments Posted by RB at 14:08

I would like to think that I have not blogged in TWO MONTHS because I have been jet setting around the world, or i've been in prison, or even, I've died and came back to life, but unfortunately nothing quite as exciting as that has held me back from blogging to the world (hmmm or the 2 or 3 people who read this!) I generally update my blog whilst I'm at work and everytime i've gone to start typing a new post something distracts me and I don't get around to it. BUT I'm MAKING the time to do it NOW! I've got all types of news today!

Lets get the sad news out of the way...

The Singing Man
Unfortunately, U2's favourite groupie has not been seen nor heard of since Christmas. I'm actually pretty gutted about it. It's just a complete mystery as to where he's gone. He definitely looked like he lived nearby as he was forever walking past with bread and milk, but alas, maybe he has moved away...or he's been issued with an asbo and is doing time in Saughton (Edinburgh's answer to Guatanamo!) Oh how I miss his dulcet tones. Incidentally - did you know that saying "I thought I heard your dulcet tones" is actually a compliment. It wasn't after hearing it for years and saying it to others that I actually looked it up on Wiki (via Google!) that it's actually a compliment because 'dulcet' means gentle or lilty. Anyway, randomness over; continue with original train of thought!

R has gone sick today so i'm having to man the phones and I swear if the phone goes one more time this morning I'm going to scream! I hate answering the calls and the 8 lines are so busy all day! Grrrr!

Here goes with the good news:

University
I have decided to go ahead and try to get on a nursing course and try to obtain a degree in nursing! I've decided that that's what I want to do and I can't wait to apply to see if I can get on a course! Woohoo!! I'll keep you updated on what happens with that.

I've got an exciting latter part of the year coming up! In June I've got a good friend's wedding to go to and then the next day at 7am (it's going to be either a sober wedding or a hungover flight!) I fly down to London to see Rage Against The Machine at Finsbury Park. They promised to do a free gig in London if they won the Christmas No.1 with Killing in the Name of and they did and so now they are!! I managed to get El Roostio and I two free tickets and so we're going down to the gig. I really think it's going to be the gig of the year. Those who have tickets for it have been able to vote for who we want to support RAGE and if the band is free that date then they are going to do it! I've voted for System of a Down, Karnivool (an Australian band which RAWKS!) and Kings of Leon. Think we're pushing it for System, but wow if they do it!

In September I'm going back down to London with my big sis to see Muse at the O2 Arena and that's guaranteed to be another jaw droppingly good gig!

Okay, so I started writing this blog a week ago, then as per usual, I got distracted and it's sat as a draft since then. I'll finish it up now.

I have been having issues with my right wrist recently. I initially thought it was RSI from working with a PC all day every day, but as the weeks have gone by the true cause of the pain has started shining through (not the right phrase, I know). I have been diagnosed as having damaged my Suprasinatus (I know, sounds like a dinosaur!). It's basically the 4 muscles that sit round my shoulder. So the pain is not just in one spot now, it's right down my arm to my fingers, right across the top of my back, right up the right side of my neck and round and under my shoulder. I'm having to get physio on it, but until it's fixed, I have to have deep heat on it, i'm on really strong pain killers and I can't write/type (I know i'm typing just now but i'm fighting through the pain, ok!)

So that's my update - i'm sure there's more, but I can't focus enough today!

Rhona out.