It's my 34th birthday today. If you'd asked me on my 24th birthday where I'd be today, i wouldn't believe quite how it's turned out.

I never thought I'd still be alone, battling the issues that come along with being an introvert and (slightly!) overweight, along with living paycheck to paycheck and having had the confidence knocked out of me by bad relationships in the past. I Never imagined that I wouldn't be settled down with a husband and family by now. Never in my wildest dreams would I believe that I was considering for "settling" just to not be alone anymore, that I would stop feeling optimistic about the future and what tomorrow could possibly bring. I was so sure of what I wanted! Maybe that was my downfall. I got a bit crazy in my 20s on the whole "I'm young and free and just want to have fun" ride. Maybe it's karma for those days. if it is, can i get a do-over? I would tell 24 me to change my wicked ways.

But here it is. I'm 34. I work as many hours as I possibly can so I don't have to sit alone in my house (don't tell my cat cos she might try to kill me in my sleep). I tell everyone I'm not taking dating sites seriously, but secretly I am. The funny thing is, the more alone I am the less inclination I have to go out and try new things on my own. Weird right. I guess, therefor, I'm my own worst enemy? Catch 22, vicious circle and all that. I reckon my big problem is that I have an idea in my head of the life that I want and I've always been so sure that I would never settle for less.

Here it is: a gun-slinging, horse-loving, hard-grafting country boy (southern country drawl optional, but preferred) who is easy going, fun, gentle but strong, kind and caring. A man who opens doors for women, who answers the phone to my mother and has a conversation with her first. A man who asks about my day and actually listens to my reply. A man who is thoughtful enough to leave little positive notes for me to read in random places. A man who will pull me to my feet on a random night to dance with me in the middle of the room to no music other than the humming of his voice to his favourite song. But equally has a bad-boy streak who will stand up to me when I'm wrong, will take me on exciting adventures that makes my eyes glisten, my cheeks glow and my skin tingle with adrenaline, will make a campfire in our back garden and sit up all night laughing with me. I hear what you are saying - this man surely doesn't exist! But, I tell you - I've seen pieces of these qualities in male friends and colleagues and in special, random snippets I am blessed to witness in other people's lives. Surely if it exists across say, 10 men, then maybe just maybe they can all exist in one? But, I fool myself.

I am under no illusion. Here is some other things I have learned in my 34 years. Nothing is 'just round the corner'. Ever. Things that are meant for us go past us all the time because we are either too scared to grab hold or we are too busy concentrating on a distraction. Life is no fairytale, trust is easily lost, people very rarely tell you the whole truth and sometimes there is no tomorrow. The grass is sometimes greener. People are mean, sometimes they don't even realise it. Everyone has their own agenda and that can put blinkers on them so they have no clue that every person is battling something inside, including themselves. Jealousy is indeed wicked. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't just take 'one small act' to make a difference. Love hurts. A lot. Moreso when it's not reciprocated.

So maybe I have to let go of my idealist dream. Maybe I need to let the negativity in. Maybe I should get a few more cats. But then, if I don't keep believing then the negativity has won, surely, and another person's hopes and dreams for something truly awesome is lost forever. Another person has settled. To what end though? With that does resentment and sorrow not follow? Shall I be writing similar thoughts when I'm 64? I have no idea.

All I do know is that it's my 34th birthday today. 🎂


#wallsdown #thebigT #happybirthdaytome

I'm sure there's loads you can do in seven months. Apart from have a baby. But actually, even some people have a baby at seven months if it's a premy, so disregard that last (false) statement. Okay, so let's be a bit more specific...the things I have done in seven months (I say seven months because that's hoe long it's been since my last post):

1. I have gone back to work. It's been a relatively easy transition to be honest. My first day back was a bit nerve wracking, but everyone was really lovely and they made me feel really relaxed. I had problems the first few days with getting out of breath, but the big bosses were really understanding and went out of their way to help me out. I did end up doing a whole season of late shifts though, which ended up being a bit of a strain but it's sort of even itself out now and I get a good mixture of days and lates. No 0330 starts yet which I'm happy about and am not looking forward to seeing the first one next to my name.  I'm sure it's bound to be there soon enough!

2. I crashed my brand new car! No, I'm not joking! My second day back at work I was given access to a different car park and the first day of using said new car park I totally cocked it up and crashed into a kerb next to the barriers. Not fun.  I had to phone for a tow truck because it was undrivable and in the end took a week to fix and costs my insurance £1700. Sucks to be me huh!

3. I am off the Warfarin. You could even say that I am back to normal. Well, mostly. I still have an irregular heartbeat which I have to get respiratory physio for but things are going well and hopefully in the next few months I'll be given the all clear completely. My carbon dioxide levels are a bit too low than a healthy person but the physio will help rectify that and maybe I'll be the next person to sign up to a half marathon (haha yeah right!)

4.  I no longer have to introduce myself as 'single'. Yep, you heard it here, well, last. It's been an emotional ride to get here and I totally believe in everything happening for a reason. It's been a learning curve vue and. It an easy one at that. But if nothing else, I've learnt just how much patience I have, how great my ability is to hold on to the faintest of strings in a foundation, even I should have (perhaps) let go. It's certainly not been easy but it has been a much needed distraction from my poorly health and I like the boy, so I suppose it's all good overall. Remember, the good Lord gave us mountains so that we could learn how to climb.

5. I moved out. Yes, and in with the boy. No, I can't quite believe it either. It's a bit surreal and sometimes I still go to take the wrong junction home to go to my mums.  It's been a roller coaster of a ride to get here but we seem to be working, even though we have a lot of bad days. But that's nor all for a transitioning couple, isn't it? We both habits, we both have baggage, we both have mood swings and an introverted personality and yes, we get on each other's nerves. A lot. But it's a process and we just have to take one day at a time. It's not easy for either of our stubborn personalities and yes, old habits die hard, but at least we are under no illusion about each other...neither of us are perfect.

6. Hmmm...I can't think of a sixth so I think that's my seven month update. Good and bad has happened, but I'm grateful for both. One wouldn't cope without the other I don't think. If everything was rosy all the time I'd get bored. I haven't done much writing lately but I'm slowly getting back into it and have some good ideas running around in my head which I'll get around to writing down at some point. Been contemplating going back to studying too, just don't know whether it will be my OU degree or perhaps a paralegal course to get me a better paid job (which I desperately need now that my salary is shared!). It's a difficult decision which I haven't processed in my head yet. I guess I just want to get through the next few months as smoothly as I can whilst my wage is at a minimum and then think a bit more about it when it's summer season and I'm bringing in all the overtime and big bucks!

Okay, well until next time...

Rhona out.

I have to write about this, otherwise I think my head might explode and that just wouldn't do...my PJs tonight are fresh on and I'd hate to have to wash them again so soon.

If you are an avid reader of my blog (you're probably not!) then you'll see a couple of posts ago I wrote about the recent health issues I've had.  My world has just been turned upside down.  My emotions are scattered everywhere and most of the time I don't know whether i'm coming or going.  I reckon the NHS should provide some kind of counselling groups for those who have brushes with death.  I'm not saying that what happened to me is the worst that could possibly happen to anyone - I'm soooo not saying that and I appreciate that people are in much worse positions than me...BUT...your own problems are bigger because they are from your own perspective.  My problems are relative to me, so therefore they are massive problems!  Get it?!

So I decided last week that no matter what the doctor said tomorrow at my meeting with her, I would be going back to work straight after.  I've now been off sick for 9 weeks and I think it's making my mental state worse.  The main problem with not working every day is that there's nothing to occupy your mind.  I'm overthinking matters that I shouldn't be and it's definitely not helping.  There's a boy (there's always a boy!) that I really thought could be in my life for a while...but his fear of commitment and my lack of brain-occupation (that's what I'm calling my current unemployed state!) has made it so that I've completely jumped aboard what I thought was a potential relationship, studied every word both spoken and written, sat at home every day just waiting for him to get home so that I could spend all evening (and I mean every evening) with him.  All that's happened is that I've become much more invested in a 'friendship' than he has and it's now blown up in my face.  I just don't get it...and although I've got an abundance of time on my hands, I don't think i'll ever get it.  I know it's a fear.  The fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of having to change, of having to let those walls crumble and let someone in.  His words contradict his actions.  He doesn't see that how he interacts with me one day, has a direct effect on his mood the next.  Am I the only one out here that has been in a situation like this?  I doubt that I am, but I feel very much alone right now.

I just know that it would be great if he'd let me in.  My main problem now is...do I walk away or persevere?  Walking away sounds easy, but not when you've bonded for weeks on end, have an emotional tie to each other and have spent every possible minute in each other's company.  Persevere?  That would be an indefinite amount of time spent in constant limbo not knowing if he'll ever admit it and let me in.  Just now he's got me right where he wants me...skirting around his walls and every so often, when he thinks i'm pulling away, he dangles a little bit over the edge to draw me back in.  It reminds me of a song by The Wreckers, called Leave the Pieces.  In fact, here's the video...

I just don't know what to do.  I go back to work in two days so I think that will help as it will take my mind off it.  I'm going to go back with a new-found (still trying to find it!) confidence and nobody will know how much I'm dying inside.  I'll keep my head high, i'll laugh and i'll joke and i'll get on with it, but it will be betraying how hurt and sad and lonely I am on the inside.  BUT, have no pity for me - I got myself into this situation and I damn well will fight through it.  I will be stronger and wiser for the experience.  I will still force myself to be emotionally available, i'll still be vulnerable and i'll still take leaps even if I fall flat on my face, because that's what we're meant to do.  I feel a bit like cookie dough...i'm delicious as I am half baked (just nobody knows it!) but i'm not finished yet.  I'm at the moulding stage and wow, once i'm fully baked I'll be a force to be reckoned with!

Y'know how sometimes you can wake up and have something that makes you happy straight away, like the sun streaming in the window...or realising that you have no work...or a 'good morning' text from someone special...well that happened to me today.  Had a lie in, woke up in a good mood.  Then it swiftly went downhill from there and now i'm sitting at 23:27 and I have a horrible knot in my tummy.  My head is spinning and I just want to curl up in a corner and rock myself into another world.

I've wanted to record a new song for a little while now and this one especially.  If you know me then you know I basically live my life through song lyrics.  This song has been special to me for a few years now and has been my 'go to' song when i've been all muddled up with emotions.  It lays it out black and white style.  A song direct from the deepest desires of a heart that longs to be stolen.  My voice doesn't do it justice, but the emotion behind it is not lacking.

I don't really know where to start.  I don't think there is a start.  I haven't blogged in so long, but I have so much swimming around my head that I have to release somewhere and this is as safe a place as any...I know what you're thinking...the internet isn't very safe.  But, well, in all my years of having this blog, I don't think that any more than 5 people have read it so I think it's safe to say that it sin't going to go viral!  And yes, I did just have a conversation with myself.  I do it a lot, deal with it.

Okay.  It was my 31st birthday yesterday.  Yay, not.  I didn't do very much for it.  I just hung out with an old high school crush that I haven't seen in about 17 years that recently came back into my life.  (But will never be anything more as he so kindly text me today!).  I had fun, but today I have well and truly got the birthday blues.  Doesn't help the fact that I am unwell too.

Here's how my last few months have been...

A coupla months ago I ended up in hospital because I had difficulty breathing.  I had put up with it for a week and a half and it was getting worse to the point that I couldn't go from sitting down to standing without having to spend 10 minutes catching my breath.  Long story short (full of misdiagnosing doctors and "i'm okay!" to work colleagues) my sister drags me to A&E.  At that point, my oxygen levels were at 70%ish and my resting heartbeat was around 135.  Pretty serious.  They were quick in getting a chest X-ray and CT scan, which showed that I had multiple blood clots on both my lungs (which the Specialist called "extensive").  In other words...a Pulmonary Embolism. You may have heard of this - many famous people have dropped dead from them.  Anyway, on top of that I also had pneumonia...no wonder I couldn't bloody breath!  The doctors quickly whisked me away to the respiratory ward where I was serious enough to warrant a room on my own (yay, silver lining!), however it didn't stop me from catching a virus that was kicking around and for 3 days I fought a raging fever (just because I wasn't dealing with enough and I like a challenge!).

Throughout all this, my boyfriend buggered off to another country on holiday and didn't contact me once (even though he knew I had nearly died) and even when he came back he only visited me once, for no more than 3 hours...even though he could have stayed with me the full day.  Everyone was telling me what he was doing was awful, and I knew it was awful, but I already felt so rubbish that actually all they were doing was making me feel worse.  Now, I had a BEAUTIFUL doctor looking after me and taking my daily blood tests and he got to know all about my relationship woes.  Even HE was telling me to dump the douche.  Easier said than done.  I always try to see the good in everyone so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  However, when I got home he didn't come see me when he was meant to and so, alas, he was booted out the door.  Even though I was home, I was still seeing my doctor for daily blood tests/injections and one of the first things he asked me about was the douche...I took great delight in telling him I was single.  Alas, though, nothing came of that (and quite rightly so as he would have been unprofessional!).  Although I do know how to contact him on FB....would that be unprofessional of me?  (I didn't stalk him - we just got on well enough that we shared that kind of information!)  He's technically not my doctor any more.  I don't need to visit the hospital anymore so really, I won't see him again otherwise!  No?  Stupid thing to do?  Okay, that's a no then.

Having a near-death experience is quite scary.  For the past couple of years I have worried that I was getting older, I was single and, being a PCOS sufferer, wondering if I would ever be blessed with a family of my own.  Well, let me tell you...a death scare doesn't help with that situation!  I am now 31, have blood clots, single and still have PCOS!  I'm in a worse position now!  I've kind of gone off topic now, but I think I have found the crux of the thoughts in my head.  When will it be my turn?  I am a good person, I am kind, I am thoughtful, I get told that I have a great sense of humour, I am affectionate and loyal.  Okay, i'm a little forgetful but i'm not perfect!  I am very rarely serious, although slightly too sarcastic.  I am mentally creative and like a good challenge.  I am smart and a bit of a tomboy.  I don't wear dresses every day, but I scrub up well.  Okay, I need to lose some weight but surely the whole world isn't superficial?  When will it be my turn?  I'm not outdoorsy but I like a good walk with a view.  I am romantic and positive and have been waiting patiently for my fairytale but it never comes.  I am sensitive and strong and tough but always the first to back down.  I try to see things from every point of view and all I want is for someone to make me their priority.  When will it be my turn?

The silver lining with my illness is that I lost a stone in a week and have managed to not put it back on.  I have joined a slimming class and although I haven't lost anything else - which i'm not surprised at because of the drugs I have to take for the clots and the fact i'm not exercising - I have managed to maintain instead of putting on.  I mean, i'm not the size of a factory...I just need to get back into shape.  I always said I needed something drastic to happen for me to lose weight.  I just never thought it would be nearly dying.  This whole experience has completely changed my outlook.  Although I will always be a procrastinator, I have this little spark that's been ignited and it's telling me to push.  It's telling me that enough is enough and I have to stand up and fight if I want anything good to happen in my life.  It's telling me that it's not enough to just be part of the crowd and blend in.  I am going to have to raise my head above the parapet and shout loudly.  I want to be noticed.  I want to be counted.  I want to have a purpose rather than just dodging along doing the same thing every day.

I'm not back at work yet and I don't think I will be for another few weeks.  Having this time away will hopefully help with the weight loss so that when I go back it will seem like I am a new woman.  I work in a large airport - so maybe, just maybe, it will finally be my turn?  I'm 31 now.  I want a family.  I need to grow up and get my act together.  I need to stop hiding behind my face that passes for an early 20s girl.  I need to start giving a proper shit.  I need to start making an effort.  I need to stop building walls, yet as soon as someone starts chipping away at them, letting them crumble away so that I give up and bare all too soon because I am so eager to have someone love me.  I need to find my inner strength and fight for my confidence to return.  I need to find the passion in myself again.  I need to have the courage to step out of the boat and walk on water.  I need to listen to my own advice.  I need to believe that I am good enough.

Crazy as it sounds, I feel a huge relief just writing this down.  I know I have ranted a little bit, but sometimes I find that just starting the writing and let my mind wander as I type, I eventually get to the reason for the way i'm feeling and the writing just goes where it needs to go.  This is the Randomness of Rhona blog after all.

I don't think my journey is over, I don't even think it has begun, but I think that my first step was to get all the above out of my head so that my mind has space to work with.  What will be will be.  What's for me won't go past me.  The good Lord has a plan for me.  I just need to figure out where to go now.

Right now though I feel like, okay I cheated death.....but life has cheated me for years.  How is that fair?

So another month has come and gone and yet again i've not kept up with my blog.  Bad me.  I'm terrible!  I've not written to my friend currently spending time in maximum security prison since last year either.  Erm...actually i'm thinking that having me on his bad-side might inevitably be a bad thing so I might write to him after I've blogged.  Just in case.  I'm sure he's reformed....but I don't think i'll take that chance!

A friend was texting me last night.  He's a new friend.  A lovely new friend who I really enjoy talking to (he's just as weird as me) and he started freaking me out by texting things about me (like my birth place and shoe size).  Obviously being a reformed stalker, my alarm bells started ringing, but it made me climb on the laptop (well, not literally!) and google myself.  Wow.  I really shouldn't have done that!  There's so much out there about me that I had no idea about!  And sadly I've found i'm not as unique as I hoped I was!  BUT I also found that there are websites that have my handle (aarrbeee) that I've never been on in my life before!  That's just wrong!  I think i'm finally grasping the fear that some of my friends already display in what they have about their lives being an open book for weirdos and axe-murderers and fraudsters alike.  I mean, when I say i'm grasping the fear, i'm kind of just tenderly stroking the fear.  It doesn't scare me and i'll not stop buying things with my cards online and i'll not become a hermit and go deep underground in a bid to avoid all things techno, but I will pause before I spill my inner thoughts and plans and itineraries with the great big world.....hmmm....i'm still doing it on here though so maybe i'll need to work on that.

Anyway, said friend that made me google myself put me in touch with my old myspace account which I hadn't looked at since 2006 or something.  Wow, it was a blast from the past!  I had a mini blog on there before I set up this one and I do have to say that after reading it (and the comments made by complete strangers) that I have a strange gift of storytelling.  One stranger in particular said something along the lines of that my ability to put laughter and entertainment into my real life trials and tribulations was refreshing and amusing.  I think that was a compliment.  Maybe.

I decided after many weeks of ponderment that I would start up a new blog.  One for my work.  So much funny stuff happens to me at my work that it seems wrong to not share them all with the world.  I'm sure I'll be the only one that reads them, but at least i'm making a memory.  I love my job, and although i'll be keeping the other blog anonymous (i'm hoping there will be no links to me), i'm quite excited about keeping a journal about the stuff that happens.  I'm hoping that maybe one day i'll be able to tie some of my amusing customers and fellow colleagues personalities, anecdotes and situations into a new novel (after I finish the one i'm still writing!)

Speaking of writing, still studying for my degree.  I've been passing all my assignments so far and got another one due in a couple weeks.  I'm a little behind with the studying because of recent things happening, but I just need to focus, get my head in the game and get on with it.  I'm such a procrastinator (it's a better word than lazy), but I know i've got the strength somewhere to get through it so I just need to hold onto the end product (the degree) and keep my head down.

Oh oh oh...i've signed myself up to do a sponsored 12 mile walk in June.  My bestie friend is doing it for a local charity that supports her with a medical condition that she has just been diagnosed with so me and her sister have signed up to support her.  I'm going to be raising money for Verity UK, the only charity in the UK that supports and aids women living with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I have been living with this condition since I was roughly 16 and it has pretty much ruled my life (and ruined it a little).  If you can find it in your heart to sponsor me, my justgiving page is HERE and I truly would be so incredibly grateful for any contributions you could give me.  I'll be plugging this event nearer the time and probably be giving an update on training for it soon, so keep reading!

It's time for bed now.

Rhona out.