Monday 19 May 2014

I don't really know where to start.  I don't think there is a start.  I haven't blogged in so long, but I have so much swimming around my head that I have to release somewhere and this is as safe a place as any...I know what you're thinking...the internet isn't very safe.  But, well, in all my years of having this blog, I don't think that any more than 5 people have read it so I think it's safe to say that it sin't going to go viral!  And yes, I did just have a conversation with myself.  I do it a lot, deal with it.

Okay.  It was my 31st birthday yesterday.  Yay, not.  I didn't do very much for it.  I just hung out with an old high school crush that I haven't seen in about 17 years that recently came back into my life.  (But will never be anything more as he so kindly text me today!).  I had fun, but today I have well and truly got the birthday blues.  Doesn't help the fact that I am unwell too.

Here's how my last few months have been...

A coupla months ago I ended up in hospital because I had difficulty breathing.  I had put up with it for a week and a half and it was getting worse to the point that I couldn't go from sitting down to standing without having to spend 10 minutes catching my breath.  Long story short (full of misdiagnosing doctors and "i'm okay!" to work colleagues) my sister drags me to A&E.  At that point, my oxygen levels were at 70%ish and my resting heartbeat was around 135.  Pretty serious.  They were quick in getting a chest X-ray and CT scan, which showed that I had multiple blood clots on both my lungs (which the Specialist called "extensive").  In other words...a Pulmonary Embolism. You may have heard of this - many famous people have dropped dead from them.  Anyway, on top of that I also had pneumonia...no wonder I couldn't bloody breath!  The doctors quickly whisked me away to the respiratory ward where I was serious enough to warrant a room on my own (yay, silver lining!), however it didn't stop me from catching a virus that was kicking around and for 3 days I fought a raging fever (just because I wasn't dealing with enough and I like a challenge!).

Throughout all this, my boyfriend buggered off to another country on holiday and didn't contact me once (even though he knew I had nearly died) and even when he came back he only visited me once, for no more than 3 hours...even though he could have stayed with me the full day.  Everyone was telling me what he was doing was awful, and I knew it was awful, but I already felt so rubbish that actually all they were doing was making me feel worse.  Now, I had a BEAUTIFUL doctor looking after me and taking my daily blood tests and he got to know all about my relationship woes.  Even HE was telling me to dump the douche.  Easier said than done.  I always try to see the good in everyone so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  However, when I got home he didn't come see me when he was meant to and so, alas, he was booted out the door.  Even though I was home, I was still seeing my doctor for daily blood tests/injections and one of the first things he asked me about was the douche...I took great delight in telling him I was single.  Alas, though, nothing came of that (and quite rightly so as he would have been unprofessional!).  Although I do know how to contact him on FB....would that be unprofessional of me?  (I didn't stalk him - we just got on well enough that we shared that kind of information!)  He's technically not my doctor any more.  I don't need to visit the hospital anymore so really, I won't see him again otherwise!  No?  Stupid thing to do?  Okay, that's a no then.

Having a near-death experience is quite scary.  For the past couple of years I have worried that I was getting older, I was single and, being a PCOS sufferer, wondering if I would ever be blessed with a family of my own.  Well, let me tell you...a death scare doesn't help with that situation!  I am now 31, have blood clots, single and still have PCOS!  I'm in a worse position now!  I've kind of gone off topic now, but I think I have found the crux of the thoughts in my head.  When will it be my turn?  I am a good person, I am kind, I am thoughtful, I get told that I have a great sense of humour, I am affectionate and loyal.  Okay, i'm a little forgetful but i'm not perfect!  I am very rarely serious, although slightly too sarcastic.  I am mentally creative and like a good challenge.  I am smart and a bit of a tomboy.  I don't wear dresses every day, but I scrub up well.  Okay, I need to lose some weight but surely the whole world isn't superficial?  When will it be my turn?  I'm not outdoorsy but I like a good walk with a view.  I am romantic and positive and have been waiting patiently for my fairytale but it never comes.  I am sensitive and strong and tough but always the first to back down.  I try to see things from every point of view and all I want is for someone to make me their priority.  When will it be my turn?

The silver lining with my illness is that I lost a stone in a week and have managed to not put it back on.  I have joined a slimming class and although I haven't lost anything else - which i'm not surprised at because of the drugs I have to take for the clots and the fact i'm not exercising - I have managed to maintain instead of putting on.  I mean, i'm not the size of a factory...I just need to get back into shape.  I always said I needed something drastic to happen for me to lose weight.  I just never thought it would be nearly dying.  This whole experience has completely changed my outlook.  Although I will always be a procrastinator, I have this little spark that's been ignited and it's telling me to push.  It's telling me that enough is enough and I have to stand up and fight if I want anything good to happen in my life.  It's telling me that it's not enough to just be part of the crowd and blend in.  I am going to have to raise my head above the parapet and shout loudly.  I want to be noticed.  I want to be counted.  I want to have a purpose rather than just dodging along doing the same thing every day.

I'm not back at work yet and I don't think I will be for another few weeks.  Having this time away will hopefully help with the weight loss so that when I go back it will seem like I am a new woman.  I work in a large airport - so maybe, just maybe, it will finally be my turn?  I'm 31 now.  I want a family.  I need to grow up and get my act together.  I need to stop hiding behind my face that passes for an early 20s girl.  I need to start giving a proper shit.  I need to start making an effort.  I need to stop building walls, yet as soon as someone starts chipping away at them, letting them crumble away so that I give up and bare all too soon because I am so eager to have someone love me.  I need to find my inner strength and fight for my confidence to return.  I need to find the passion in myself again.  I need to have the courage to step out of the boat and walk on water.  I need to listen to my own advice.  I need to believe that I am good enough.

Crazy as it sounds, I feel a huge relief just writing this down.  I know I have ranted a little bit, but sometimes I find that just starting the writing and let my mind wander as I type, I eventually get to the reason for the way i'm feeling and the writing just goes where it needs to go.  This is the Randomness of Rhona blog after all.

I don't think my journey is over, I don't even think it has begun, but I think that my first step was to get all the above out of my head so that my mind has space to work with.  What will be will be.  What's for me won't go past me.  The good Lord has a plan for me.  I just need to figure out where to go now.

Right now though I feel like, okay I cheated death.....but life has cheated me for years.  How is that fair?

0 Comments:

Post a Comment