I have to write about this, otherwise I think my head might explode and that just wouldn't do...my PJs tonight are fresh on and I'd hate to have to wash them again so soon.

If you are an avid reader of my blog (you're probably not!) then you'll see a couple of posts ago I wrote about the recent health issues I've had.  My world has just been turned upside down.  My emotions are scattered everywhere and most of the time I don't know whether i'm coming or going.  I reckon the NHS should provide some kind of counselling groups for those who have brushes with death.  I'm not saying that what happened to me is the worst that could possibly happen to anyone - I'm soooo not saying that and I appreciate that people are in much worse positions than me...BUT...your own problems are bigger because they are from your own perspective.  My problems are relative to me, so therefore they are massive problems!  Get it?!

So I decided last week that no matter what the doctor said tomorrow at my meeting with her, I would be going back to work straight after.  I've now been off sick for 9 weeks and I think it's making my mental state worse.  The main problem with not working every day is that there's nothing to occupy your mind.  I'm overthinking matters that I shouldn't be and it's definitely not helping.  There's a boy (there's always a boy!) that I really thought could be in my life for a while...but his fear of commitment and my lack of brain-occupation (that's what I'm calling my current unemployed state!) has made it so that I've completely jumped aboard what I thought was a potential relationship, studied every word both spoken and written, sat at home every day just waiting for him to get home so that I could spend all evening (and I mean every evening) with him.  All that's happened is that I've become much more invested in a 'friendship' than he has and it's now blown up in my face.  I just don't get it...and although I've got an abundance of time on my hands, I don't think i'll ever get it.  I know it's a fear.  The fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of having to change, of having to let those walls crumble and let someone in.  His words contradict his actions.  He doesn't see that how he interacts with me one day, has a direct effect on his mood the next.  Am I the only one out here that has been in a situation like this?  I doubt that I am, but I feel very much alone right now.

I just know that it would be great if he'd let me in.  My main problem now is...do I walk away or persevere?  Walking away sounds easy, but not when you've bonded for weeks on end, have an emotional tie to each other and have spent every possible minute in each other's company.  Persevere?  That would be an indefinite amount of time spent in constant limbo not knowing if he'll ever admit it and let me in.  Just now he's got me right where he wants me...skirting around his walls and every so often, when he thinks i'm pulling away, he dangles a little bit over the edge to draw me back in.  It reminds me of a song by The Wreckers, called Leave the Pieces.  In fact, here's the video...

I just don't know what to do.  I go back to work in two days so I think that will help as it will take my mind off it.  I'm going to go back with a new-found (still trying to find it!) confidence and nobody will know how much I'm dying inside.  I'll keep my head high, i'll laugh and i'll joke and i'll get on with it, but it will be betraying how hurt and sad and lonely I am on the inside.  BUT, have no pity for me - I got myself into this situation and I damn well will fight through it.  I will be stronger and wiser for the experience.  I will still force myself to be emotionally available, i'll still be vulnerable and i'll still take leaps even if I fall flat on my face, because that's what we're meant to do.  I feel a bit like cookie dough...i'm delicious as I am half baked (just nobody knows it!) but i'm not finished yet.  I'm at the moulding stage and wow, once i'm fully baked I'll be a force to be reckoned with!

Y'know how sometimes you can wake up and have something that makes you happy straight away, like the sun streaming in the window...or realising that you have no work...or a 'good morning' text from someone special...well that happened to me today.  Had a lie in, woke up in a good mood.  Then it swiftly went downhill from there and now i'm sitting at 23:27 and I have a horrible knot in my tummy.  My head is spinning and I just want to curl up in a corner and rock myself into another world.

I've wanted to record a new song for a little while now and this one especially.  If you know me then you know I basically live my life through song lyrics.  This song has been special to me for a few years now and has been my 'go to' song when i've been all muddled up with emotions.  It lays it out black and white style.  A song direct from the deepest desires of a heart that longs to be stolen.  My voice doesn't do it justice, but the emotion behind it is not lacking.