I have to write about this, otherwise I think my head might explode and that just wouldn't do...my PJs tonight are fresh on and I'd hate to have to wash them again so soon.

If you are an avid reader of my blog (you're probably not!) then you'll see a couple of posts ago I wrote about the recent health issues I've had.  My world has just been turned upside down.  My emotions are scattered everywhere and most of the time I don't know whether i'm coming or going.  I reckon the NHS should provide some kind of counselling groups for those who have brushes with death.  I'm not saying that what happened to me is the worst that could possibly happen to anyone - I'm soooo not saying that and I appreciate that people are in much worse positions than me...BUT...your own problems are bigger because they are from your own perspective.  My problems are relative to me, so therefore they are massive problems!  Get it?!

So I decided last week that no matter what the doctor said tomorrow at my meeting with her, I would be going back to work straight after.  I've now been off sick for 9 weeks and I think it's making my mental state worse.  The main problem with not working every day is that there's nothing to occupy your mind.  I'm overthinking matters that I shouldn't be and it's definitely not helping.  There's a boy (there's always a boy!) that I really thought could be in my life for a while...but his fear of commitment and my lack of brain-occupation (that's what I'm calling my current unemployed state!) has made it so that I've completely jumped aboard what I thought was a potential relationship, studied every word both spoken and written, sat at home every day just waiting for him to get home so that I could spend all evening (and I mean every evening) with him.  All that's happened is that I've become much more invested in a 'friendship' than he has and it's now blown up in my face.  I just don't get it...and although I've got an abundance of time on my hands, I don't think i'll ever get it.  I know it's a fear.  The fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of having to change, of having to let those walls crumble and let someone in.  His words contradict his actions.  He doesn't see that how he interacts with me one day, has a direct effect on his mood the next.  Am I the only one out here that has been in a situation like this?  I doubt that I am, but I feel very much alone right now.

I just know that it would be great if he'd let me in.  My main problem now is...do I walk away or persevere?  Walking away sounds easy, but not when you've bonded for weeks on end, have an emotional tie to each other and have spent every possible minute in each other's company.  Persevere?  That would be an indefinite amount of time spent in constant limbo not knowing if he'll ever admit it and let me in.  Just now he's got me right where he wants me...skirting around his walls and every so often, when he thinks i'm pulling away, he dangles a little bit over the edge to draw me back in.  It reminds me of a song by The Wreckers, called Leave the Pieces.  In fact, here's the video...

I just don't know what to do.  I go back to work in two days so I think that will help as it will take my mind off it.  I'm going to go back with a new-found (still trying to find it!) confidence and nobody will know how much I'm dying inside.  I'll keep my head high, i'll laugh and i'll joke and i'll get on with it, but it will be betraying how hurt and sad and lonely I am on the inside.  BUT, have no pity for me - I got myself into this situation and I damn well will fight through it.  I will be stronger and wiser for the experience.  I will still force myself to be emotionally available, i'll still be vulnerable and i'll still take leaps even if I fall flat on my face, because that's what we're meant to do.  I feel a bit like cookie dough...i'm delicious as I am half baked (just nobody knows it!) but i'm not finished yet.  I'm at the moulding stage and wow, once i'm fully baked I'll be a force to be reckoned with!

Y'know how sometimes you can wake up and have something that makes you happy straight away, like the sun streaming in the window...or realising that you have no work...or a 'good morning' text from someone special...well that happened to me today.  Had a lie in, woke up in a good mood.  Then it swiftly went downhill from there and now i'm sitting at 23:27 and I have a horrible knot in my tummy.  My head is spinning and I just want to curl up in a corner and rock myself into another world.

I've wanted to record a new song for a little while now and this one especially.  If you know me then you know I basically live my life through song lyrics.  This song has been special to me for a few years now and has been my 'go to' song when i've been all muddled up with emotions.  It lays it out black and white style.  A song direct from the deepest desires of a heart that longs to be stolen.  My voice doesn't do it justice, but the emotion behind it is not lacking.

I don't really know where to start.  I don't think there is a start.  I haven't blogged in so long, but I have so much swimming around my head that I have to release somewhere and this is as safe a place as any...I know what you're thinking...the internet isn't very safe.  But, well, in all my years of having this blog, I don't think that any more than 5 people have read it so I think it's safe to say that it sin't going to go viral!  And yes, I did just have a conversation with myself.  I do it a lot, deal with it.

Okay.  It was my 31st birthday yesterday.  Yay, not.  I didn't do very much for it.  I just hung out with an old high school crush that I haven't seen in about 17 years that recently came back into my life.  (But will never be anything more as he so kindly text me today!).  I had fun, but today I have well and truly got the birthday blues.  Doesn't help the fact that I am unwell too.

Here's how my last few months have been...

A coupla months ago I ended up in hospital because I had difficulty breathing.  I had put up with it for a week and a half and it was getting worse to the point that I couldn't go from sitting down to standing without having to spend 10 minutes catching my breath.  Long story short (full of misdiagnosing doctors and "i'm okay!" to work colleagues) my sister drags me to A&E.  At that point, my oxygen levels were at 70%ish and my resting heartbeat was around 135.  Pretty serious.  They were quick in getting a chest X-ray and CT scan, which showed that I had multiple blood clots on both my lungs (which the Specialist called "extensive").  In other words...a Pulmonary Embolism. You may have heard of this - many famous people have dropped dead from them.  Anyway, on top of that I also had pneumonia...no wonder I couldn't bloody breath!  The doctors quickly whisked me away to the respiratory ward where I was serious enough to warrant a room on my own (yay, silver lining!), however it didn't stop me from catching a virus that was kicking around and for 3 days I fought a raging fever (just because I wasn't dealing with enough and I like a challenge!).

Throughout all this, my boyfriend buggered off to another country on holiday and didn't contact me once (even though he knew I had nearly died) and even when he came back he only visited me once, for no more than 3 hours...even though he could have stayed with me the full day.  Everyone was telling me what he was doing was awful, and I knew it was awful, but I already felt so rubbish that actually all they were doing was making me feel worse.  Now, I had a BEAUTIFUL doctor looking after me and taking my daily blood tests and he got to know all about my relationship woes.  Even HE was telling me to dump the douche.  Easier said than done.  I always try to see the good in everyone so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  However, when I got home he didn't come see me when he was meant to and so, alas, he was booted out the door.  Even though I was home, I was still seeing my doctor for daily blood tests/injections and one of the first things he asked me about was the douche...I took great delight in telling him I was single.  Alas, though, nothing came of that (and quite rightly so as he would have been unprofessional!).  Although I do know how to contact him on FB....would that be unprofessional of me?  (I didn't stalk him - we just got on well enough that we shared that kind of information!)  He's technically not my doctor any more.  I don't need to visit the hospital anymore so really, I won't see him again otherwise!  No?  Stupid thing to do?  Okay, that's a no then.

Having a near-death experience is quite scary.  For the past couple of years I have worried that I was getting older, I was single and, being a PCOS sufferer, wondering if I would ever be blessed with a family of my own.  Well, let me tell you...a death scare doesn't help with that situation!  I am now 31, have blood clots, single and still have PCOS!  I'm in a worse position now!  I've kind of gone off topic now, but I think I have found the crux of the thoughts in my head.  When will it be my turn?  I am a good person, I am kind, I am thoughtful, I get told that I have a great sense of humour, I am affectionate and loyal.  Okay, i'm a little forgetful but i'm not perfect!  I am very rarely serious, although slightly too sarcastic.  I am mentally creative and like a good challenge.  I am smart and a bit of a tomboy.  I don't wear dresses every day, but I scrub up well.  Okay, I need to lose some weight but surely the whole world isn't superficial?  When will it be my turn?  I'm not outdoorsy but I like a good walk with a view.  I am romantic and positive and have been waiting patiently for my fairytale but it never comes.  I am sensitive and strong and tough but always the first to back down.  I try to see things from every point of view and all I want is for someone to make me their priority.  When will it be my turn?

The silver lining with my illness is that I lost a stone in a week and have managed to not put it back on.  I have joined a slimming class and although I haven't lost anything else - which i'm not surprised at because of the drugs I have to take for the clots and the fact i'm not exercising - I have managed to maintain instead of putting on.  I mean, i'm not the size of a factory...I just need to get back into shape.  I always said I needed something drastic to happen for me to lose weight.  I just never thought it would be nearly dying.  This whole experience has completely changed my outlook.  Although I will always be a procrastinator, I have this little spark that's been ignited and it's telling me to push.  It's telling me that enough is enough and I have to stand up and fight if I want anything good to happen in my life.  It's telling me that it's not enough to just be part of the crowd and blend in.  I am going to have to raise my head above the parapet and shout loudly.  I want to be noticed.  I want to be counted.  I want to have a purpose rather than just dodging along doing the same thing every day.

I'm not back at work yet and I don't think I will be for another few weeks.  Having this time away will hopefully help with the weight loss so that when I go back it will seem like I am a new woman.  I work in a large airport - so maybe, just maybe, it will finally be my turn?  I'm 31 now.  I want a family.  I need to grow up and get my act together.  I need to stop hiding behind my face that passes for an early 20s girl.  I need to start giving a proper shit.  I need to start making an effort.  I need to stop building walls, yet as soon as someone starts chipping away at them, letting them crumble away so that I give up and bare all too soon because I am so eager to have someone love me.  I need to find my inner strength and fight for my confidence to return.  I need to find the passion in myself again.  I need to have the courage to step out of the boat and walk on water.  I need to listen to my own advice.  I need to believe that I am good enough.

Crazy as it sounds, I feel a huge relief just writing this down.  I know I have ranted a little bit, but sometimes I find that just starting the writing and let my mind wander as I type, I eventually get to the reason for the way i'm feeling and the writing just goes where it needs to go.  This is the Randomness of Rhona blog after all.

I don't think my journey is over, I don't even think it has begun, but I think that my first step was to get all the above out of my head so that my mind has space to work with.  What will be will be.  What's for me won't go past me.  The good Lord has a plan for me.  I just need to figure out where to go now.

Right now though I feel like, okay I cheated death.....but life has cheated me for years.  How is that fair?