It's my 34th birthday today. If you'd asked me on my 24th birthday where I'd be today, i wouldn't believe quite how it's turned out.

I never thought I'd still be alone, battling the issues that come along with being an introvert and (slightly!) overweight, along with living paycheck to paycheck and having had the confidence knocked out of me by bad relationships in the past. I Never imagined that I wouldn't be settled down with a husband and family by now. Never in my wildest dreams would I believe that I was considering for "settling" just to not be alone anymore, that I would stop feeling optimistic about the future and what tomorrow could possibly bring. I was so sure of what I wanted! Maybe that was my downfall. I got a bit crazy in my 20s on the whole "I'm young and free and just want to have fun" ride. Maybe it's karma for those days. if it is, can i get a do-over? I would tell 24 me to change my wicked ways.

But here it is. I'm 34. I work as many hours as I possibly can so I don't have to sit alone in my house (don't tell my cat cos she might try to kill me in my sleep). I tell everyone I'm not taking dating sites seriously, but secretly I am. The funny thing is, the more alone I am the less inclination I have to go out and try new things on my own. Weird right. I guess, therefor, I'm my own worst enemy? Catch 22, vicious circle and all that. I reckon my big problem is that I have an idea in my head of the life that I want and I've always been so sure that I would never settle for less.

Here it is: a gun-slinging, horse-loving, hard-grafting country boy (southern country drawl optional, but preferred) who is easy going, fun, gentle but strong, kind and caring. A man who opens doors for women, who answers the phone to my mother and has a conversation with her first. A man who asks about my day and actually listens to my reply. A man who is thoughtful enough to leave little positive notes for me to read in random places. A man who will pull me to my feet on a random night to dance with me in the middle of the room to no music other than the humming of his voice to his favourite song. But equally has a bad-boy streak who will stand up to me when I'm wrong, will take me on exciting adventures that makes my eyes glisten, my cheeks glow and my skin tingle with adrenaline, will make a campfire in our back garden and sit up all night laughing with me. I hear what you are saying - this man surely doesn't exist! But, I tell you - I've seen pieces of these qualities in male friends and colleagues and in special, random snippets I am blessed to witness in other people's lives. Surely if it exists across say, 10 men, then maybe just maybe they can all exist in one? But, I fool myself.

I am under no illusion. Here is some other things I have learned in my 34 years. Nothing is 'just round the corner'. Ever. Things that are meant for us go past us all the time because we are either too scared to grab hold or we are too busy concentrating on a distraction. Life is no fairytale, trust is easily lost, people very rarely tell you the whole truth and sometimes there is no tomorrow. The grass is sometimes greener. People are mean, sometimes they don't even realise it. Everyone has their own agenda and that can put blinkers on them so they have no clue that every person is battling something inside, including themselves. Jealousy is indeed wicked. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't just take 'one small act' to make a difference. Love hurts. A lot. Moreso when it's not reciprocated.

So maybe I have to let go of my idealist dream. Maybe I need to let the negativity in. Maybe I should get a few more cats. But then, if I don't keep believing then the negativity has won, surely, and another person's hopes and dreams for something truly awesome is lost forever. Another person has settled. To what end though? With that does resentment and sorrow not follow? Shall I be writing similar thoughts when I'm 64? I have no idea.

All I do know is that it's my 34th birthday today. 🎂


#wallsdown #thebigT #happybirthdaytome